I discovered that the writer who inspired Bioshock, the sort of "original Andrew Ryan" if you will, was a woman.

I don't know why I just figured that Ayn Rand was some foreign male name. I picture a philosopher as a man, and for some time in the past it saddened me that I could think of so few female philosophers.


"I am Andrew Ryan, and I am here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?

'No,' says the man in Washington, 'it belongs to the poor.'
'No,' says the man in the Vatican, 'it belongs to God.'
'No,' says the man in Moscow, 'it belongs to everyone.'

I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...

Rapture.

A city where the artist would not fear the censor,
where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality,
where the great will not be constrained by the small.

And with the sweat of your brow, Rapture can become your city, as well."
―Andrew Ryan

<3
(Note: I do not necessarily ascribe to this set of beliefs, for those of you who do not know me well enough to distinguish admiration of writing from adoption of principle. :3)

I cannot tell you how excited I am for Bioshock 2. The true genius of the original Bioshock is that I can delve into it time and time again without feeling bored or as though I have exhausted every explorable outlet. Every word feels as powerful as the first time I heard them, and I am constantly learning new things about the world and the depth that graces each and every character in the game. I admit I am nervous about the film, but this is the first time ever I've held real faith in a company with such devotion and ferocity. The writing, and virtually every other atmospheric and mechanical facet of this entire game, are a constant and blaring testament to a truth I nearly abandoned: That true creativity is alive in the industry, and that someone out there can forge it into gems with their mystical little hammers of hope. Indeed, the analogy required that level of cheesiness. I hope the momentary sacrifice of my dignity proves just how highly I regard the title. 2K you are magical people. As far as I'm concerned, February cannot come soon enough.

I had a good day on Thursday, and I KNEW that meant the rest of my week was gonna be ass. WITHOUT FAIL, if I actively acknowledge that I'm having a good day/time/week, doom follows proportional to the amount of time I spent content. If I have a good week, the next two weeks will be shitty. If I have a good day, the next two days (minimum) will be awful. I fucking hate this ratio so effin' much... because I spend 90% of the time in the lower spectrum and while I'm in that spectrum this whole fucking ratio doesn't seem worth it. Why suffer for a day to enjoy just one hour? Really tired of getting my legs thwacked out from under me.

I spent a weekend with my stepfather, spastic mother, annoying little shit Halle and hundreds of dumbshit tourists complimenting ever-so-dreadfully the agony of multiple blisters from walking several miles in LA heat. That was after I slept through my alarm and missed two periods of my classes on Friday, which was intensely frustrating because I promised from Tuesday onward I would do my best to get good attendance. Dx I could have gone with my friends to the Halloween Ani-jam event which I gladly would have chosen over a weekend of Steve + Halle combo had my mother not LIED to me about who was fucking going on the trip. SHAME on me for wanting to spend time with my mom and sister.

I would tell you how miserable this "vacation" was but it was so ridiculously annoying that I really just don't want to talk about it. I got home after listening to a few hours of Primus and Rhapsody and that cheered me up... then when I got home we were locked out of the house, which was lame because I was holding pee in for 4 hours T_T had to go to vava's house to use the restroom, then when we finally got into my house and I relax on the comp..... more bad news. Sandy called me to explain her side of the divorce stuff going on right now, it was so heartbreaking, blaming herself for what happened, I could almost hear my dad's voice in her head ringing guilt into her. Shortly after that conversation Evs came on and I just ranted and crapped on his day. It's 10 minutes before my normal bedtime and I haven't touched my two hours of usual homework.

Knowing my luck this entire string of negative events will pervade throughout the week... it's so... utterly, brutally pathetic. I called it... but I still can't prepare for it.
But that's cool. Pills make it all better.

My attendance at school was getting pretty bad there for a little bit, but on Monday I resolved to stick it out until the quarter ended. I'm trying to keep in mind that I only have to subdue the urge to bash my brains into the nearest wall for another few weeks, and then I can finally go at my own pace. God it's going to be so wonderful in my english classes. I already finished the homework for the next week and a half's worth, I am unamused by the silliness of the fact that I cannot challenge the class. I am starting to run out of things to doodle. I guess the good news is this schooling is forcing me to draw more regularly... at the very least I can say my art skills have improved.

My schedule is incredibly busy though. I go to school 5 days a week, driving an hour to and from, then on the weekends I host cosplay construction and activity dates. This weekend I am going to visit Dita down in Irvine, we'll probably go to Disneyland too. :3

I really love my cosplay projects this year. I think the only one I am apprehensive about is Velvet from Odin Sphere... because she's considerably thinner than I am and isn't wearing that much e.e; but Odin Sphere was such a great game, and we have almost all the characters covered from it.
We also might do Idolm@ster cosplays! They have been on my guilty pleasure list for at least two years now. We have all the characters except for like 2 or 3... such a huge group, and we will all fit our characters so well.
I think I'm most excited to be Aegis. I WILL SOMEDAY COSPLAY ELIZABETH TOO! Because she is my WIFE. But Aegis is really awesome and my friends all told me I could pull her off. I am gonna thin my eyebrows out mucho and then dye them a lighter brown... x3 two of my three cosplays this year are going to have blonde hair. Maybe I'll have health insurance and I can finally get those purple contacts I've wanted for a while! Then I can be the perfect Tira and Velvet too. :D

Oh... I should probably show you guys Aegis so you know who I am talking about Dx



I'm doing the black uniform version in the top right corner. Already ordered the skirt :3

My friends and I *really* want to go to both AX *and* Fanime this year, we're just not going to get badges for AX since we don't really NEED to buy anything there. We are hoping my friend Dom will be there and maybe whip out her Protagonist costume? :O

Yeah. I don't know what I would do without this group... I actually feel needed. We've made so much progress in such short time. I even made my own Halloween costume stuff this year :3 Oh yeah, and I *proudly* drew the pattern for these shoe covers and look how awesome they turned out. :D Can't even tell they were originally black heels can you? ;)




So... yeah. Been really busy keeping the spirit of the group up. Now to invest some of that energy into homework and packing for my weekend trip :O

I had a pretty rough day today. Might be a bit of an understatement but, not really what I'm focusing on at the moment. Part of my not-so-fun day was being stuck in traffic on the way home from school, and sort of on a whim I decided I would whip up a Primus tune to see if I could lighten the mood.

:3 I am so glad I did because I instantly felt rejuvenated. Not two seconds into Nature Boy I was already groovin' my Keikan butt off and singing along to the tune about how I would take time out of my day to punch the old man in a white truck in front of me driving 10 miles below the speed limit all the way down avenue 9 fully aware that he had a line of cars piling up behind him. *chuckles*

I got a gal,
'wears her toenails long.
Drives a red Barracuda,
singin' meat packer songs
And she ain't from Kalamazoo!

*dance dance*

I'm not really sure what to attribute this to, but I'm having severe difficulty determining how much misery is "just a part of growing up and doing things you don't want to do," and how much is just too much. Is this how it's supposed to be? I just want to know because I really can't tell right now. I already feel like I need out... but a big part of that can also be the fact that I am operating on two excedrin right now, which triggers my anxiety like no other. :/

I keep praying for wisdom hoping I'll find an answer to calm my already panicked mind and I seem to perpetually encounter very little. I'm not giving up yet... but I'm obviously a weakling because I'm already thinking about it.

I envy the people who live off of their slightly-above-minimum-wage jobs and find happiness leading a simple life, saving money for the finer things. I wish I could do that... I don't think I would mind working in the back not talking to anyone, earning a salary and living day by day. But, then again, I'm just too cowardly for genuine spontaneity. Nothing you guys don't already know about me.

Btw, Evan, I purchased Neuromancer and started reading it. I haven't had too much time within the frame of mind to sit down and enjoy it, which is unfortunate because I know if I had been in a better mood lately it'd be something I'd like. I'm only nearing the second chapter right now though. Man...

I noticed that once I'm in a bad mood, NOTHING sounds good anymore. All the cosplay projects I was practically leading immediately began to feel distant and cold, the books I wanted to read seem like a chore, every ache and pain in my body feels intensified and even checking messages or just hearing from people is another source of moderate vexation. This is why I was so terrified to be back in school again. I can't begin to explain how difficult it is to try and pick myself up out of these moods. At minimum they last for a week or two at a time, and on average they span a few months without breaks. To put it more simply, it feels like I've always been miserable, and I'll always be miserable... even though the logical part of me knows that that can't be true.

Anyway, tonight I will have to pray for more fortitude. I want to get through this. I want to be excited about being with my friends again and get back into the groove I was enjoying before I started school. I don't want to dread my days, heh... So, if any of you can, please spare a prayer for my pathetically fragile sanity. I know I'm spoiled... but I would really appreciate it.

Altruism truly is a plague. By definition it is an enabler of laziness, irresponsibility, selfishness and ungratefulness. If I do nothing else I hope to channel my rage into overcoming the weakness it has enabled me to sustain. There is a good reason the laws of nature smite out the now parasitic victims of its deceitful, poisonous hand! The laws of man are unrealistically gentle, and now the horrors of its influence have surfaced beyond their capacity to ignore.

Let not my rage become a fable of an inconvenient realization. Instead let me evolve from pathetic, wriggling victim, to the stern, steadfast aggressor. Should I fail, let not the lecherous hand of altruism catch me once more. As an entity of this universe I deserve to endure all the products of my inadequacy to their full extents, and from now on I expect to treat myself with nothing more. I will stomach my consequences, or I will die trying, the way nature intended. I can only wish the rest of the world would do the same.

I got called on my cell phone 4-5 times today by random people 'just wanting to talk,' and it really, REALLY gets on my nerves. It ticks me off because these are people who KNOW I can't stand talking on the phone, but are apparently so desperate to hear from me they seem to think that they're exceptions to the rules I set, forgetting that they're just not special, period. Really grinds my gears. I don't know how many ways I have said, "I'm busy," and, "I don't prefer this method of communication," apparently because I don't speak RETARD. You would really think a flat out "no" would be good enough... but I seem to attract the type of people for whom it is not. *grumbles*

Aside from that things are okay right now I guess. Lisa moved to Irvine on Saturday and the house feels a little weirder without her in it... well, a lot weirder honestly. I think I got my crying out though and feel better. Saturday and Sunday were the hardest.
I've kept pretty busy with activity scheduling and some gaming though, which has helped me kind of bode with the situation considerably. I recently downloaded FFIX for my playstation emulator, and I'm really surprised I nearly forgot how much I really enjoy this game. It constantly reminds me of Mindy though... it's Zidane, every time I look at him I think, "There's Mindy's man!" XD Charming little feller; not really my type, but charming.

I've enrolled in the court reporting school but I have this incredibly strong, deep sense of fear and concern about the decision... like I'm making a really big mistake. I can't shake it. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just one of those feelings where like, it seems awful but once you start it can't be that bad. But... I don't think any part of me is at all convinced of that. That part of me should shut the fork up honestly, because if I don't do this what the heck else am I going to do? Three years is a lot of time to waste on being a worthless sack of air... *sighs* I just don't understand how the idea of this job makes so much sense to my mind and absolutely none to my heart. I really hate this feeling... Is this what growing up is really supposed to feel like?

Anyway I guess I'll just see where this takes me... I'm hoping that whatever happens the decisions I make for myself will start to feel right for me. And more than that, I hope that dream is at least realistic. u_u Anyway good night for now I guess. See you guys later.

The left corner of my lips split open and it really freaking hurts. I'm not sure if it has any cold-soreness to it but it hurts worse than any other cut I've ever had in my whole life... and it's really effin' annoying because it's painful to eat, or yawn, or pretty much yap... period. Hurts to lick too, so my lips are all dry because I can't do much without incurring its wrath. :( It feels like it's taking forever to heal... probably because it's in an incredibly inconvenient place and keeps resplitting. Ow ow ow... it hurts >.<

On a less painful note this Final Fantasy Tactics soundtrack I got from my buddy Jake is so, unbelievably, ridiculously epic. I can't even describe it more accurately than that... I'm pretty sure it pumps me up even more than Rhapsody.

... I take that back, they tie. BUT LET ME JUST SAY that it's a very very close call for Rhapsody here. If I thought any of you would actually listen to it I would post it. You know what? Screw you guys I'm posting it anyway -_- If you don't listen to it IT IS YOUR FREAKING LOSS, and you SUCK. That's right, anyone who doesn't agree with me about music sucks and should kill themselves because I'm the most mature person who ever lived and I'm always right >:[


Seriously though, I was on the way to DiCicco's with my mom and immediate family and I was listening to Apoplexy and my imagination went on orgasmic overload mode. I was day-dreaming about battles between warring nations and all sorts of silly tales of might and magic, and even the pre-battle pump-up speeches that the generals would give... :D I could hear the steel of the swords clashing and whining, screams of my brethren crying for vengeance as blades pierce their armor and flesh. The dying gurgle blood in my wake and crumble beneath each wave. The glint of the sun's smile on steel does little to blind me, the fury of battle engorges my every limb as my lust for carnage is sated, all the leathers adorning me squeaking with a cringe at every parry. It was too freaking epic, and yes goosebumps were aplenty. When we got to DiCicco's I was so hyped up I didn't know what to do with all my energy. I was like, "Man this sucks! I need me a longsword, no no, I need two wee daggers, I'ma run around and slash goblins. Oh, what's that FFT goblins? Your weakness is ice? TAKE THIS SHIVA SUMMON >:O!!!!!"

And then I lifted my air-sword to the skies to christen my victory and belted a hearty cry, and you know, my family was very distraught.

Okay you caught me, I totally made that last part up. :[ But that would have been too raw for Madera, I might've caused every Mexican in the immediate vicinity to spontaneously combust. And then Square would have a hefty law-suit on their hands for composing music that is so awesome that it kills mexicans by associative vicinity. I don't think the world is ready for that. I totally am though, just so you guys know. >:[

Man my hands are all sweaty and I'm getting hyper again, see what this music does to me?!?!?! UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.....!

THE POINT OF THIS STORY is actually to illustrate that I was teeming with creative energy and subsequently drew like 5-6 pictures whenever I got home of random crap that I just couldn't draw enough of. I designed another costume for this year's renaissance fair and I went a little further to design a steampunk blacksmithy engineer type costume too. I drew for like... gosh I don't know, it was quite a few hours. I'm still REALLY pumped right now too by the way, which is why I'm writing. This music... is just too insane.

P.S. Over the weekend I played pretty much 90% of all the "-of Mana" games in existence, including those that were not released in the US. All I have to say is, Legend of Mana is still a pain in the ass, Sword of Mana is pretty awful (the AI and music are just atrocious), and Seiken Densetsu 3 (aka Secret of Mana 3) is actually pretty good (no idea why they never released it in the States.) None of them necessarily hold a candle to Secret of Mana (aka Seiken Densetsu 2.) Dawn of Mana is also quite awful. Just thought I would save you kids some time.

Without further ado, here is the music I've been listening to. :3 God I love that Jake kid for sending me this soundtrack... I just love Canadians period, they are awesome awesome people, EVEN THOUGH they have maple syrup for blood (don't think I don't know =_= EVAN.) <--- that was further ado wasn't it? DANG IT!



GOD I love this song, and the word too... Apoplexy, my new favorite word. Takes over phantasmagoria. <3

Another goodie:


It's 4:07 and I have a feeling I'll be pulling an all-nighter. Later guys!

Have you ever gotten so far into a train of thought you question how you got there in the first place, and then retrace your mental steps? I do this all the time! Sometimes I go too far though, and then I can't completely retrace them. That's sort of what happened with my last entry. I was thinking about so much so fast that I was completely lost in a world I still can't totally describe. Somehow, even though it's sort of painful, it's also sort of... invigorating? It's strange coming out on the other side of this process, a sensation completely unmatched by any other. I feel other people look down on my tendency to spend so much energy on something that is generally considered futile, but sometimes this is the only piece of me that I really like about myself. Sometimes it's what I hate, too. I think everyone has something like that within themselves, a love-hate relationship with a quality of their personality that can dominate them in ways that are both beneficial and malignant. I will probably never grow a love for humanity... but I find their physiology fascinating.

This can be taken in a number of ways obviously, but for me it's somewhat of a crime to see people neglect the wonder of their own minds against the rest of nature. It's beautiful in a way that seems sinful, the kind of beauty you see in a mangled corpse, when the deepest levels of your nature urge you to look, while your conscience begs you to steer your eyes away. The "train-wreck" scenario, in simpler terms. The more I grow the more I appreciate the distances I am able to travel from conventional Keikan thought. One day I will take an object's existence for granted... The next day, I will question its conception, its manufacturing, its role, its influence, and its purpose specific to me. Again this ability serves no purpose in any worldly way, other than to feed a hungry Keikan mind. Useless as it is, anyone could do this, should they have such a fixation for masochism, and the fact that we are the only species we know of capable of exerting these mental faculties never ceases to both impress and mystify me. More people are interested in its practical uses which is perfectly acceptable, societies could not run or function without it... but (this was my original point) it saddens me that in their practical usage of their faculties, the nature of such capability is often overlooked.

Yet, I suppose it's for the better. I imagine if everyone took to the level of neuroticism I possess the world would move quite slowly x_o. Anyway, this whole post was just a small clarification follow-up for the parts of my little intellectual venture I felt I could actually communicate. Sorry it's not very exciting D:

Because the better you are, the more you see them; even in you. :)

I just want you to know that at approximately 1:30 am, July 3rd 2009, I officially beat Azure Dreams.

... Yes.

...... I mean it.

And not only did I beat the game, I fucking raped that entire tower. Here is a long-winded explanation on what went into it.

So Kewne, who I think we used to name Mika, is pretty useful and he got me to floor 28 where I was handily getting my ass kicked, and I was like fuck... there has to be something to this. So I looked online and was like, "hao 2 go 2 towar n not die lolol" and they mentioned this monster called a Barong who only appears on the 16th, 26th, and 36th floors of the tower. If you throw items at him, he eats them and spits out another item (85% of the time it's a better item than what you threw at him) if you're really lucky he spits out this rare fruit called a Roche fruit, which will turn any monster you throw it at into an egg so you can take it home and stuff. So I had actually come across this monster before without knowing it, but I usually killed him because I didn't know any better. Anyway I found him again and started throwing stuff at him and sure enough he spat stuff out. I got SO freaking lucky though, because the very last item he spit just so happened to be that Roche fruit. So what did I do? I caught that Barong and had my own so I could get more Roche fruits and get any monster I wanted :O!

But what I didn't take into account was how much mp it took for him to be spitting items out, so then I had to keep going into the tower until I caught a Cyclone monster and fused him with the Barong, which gives the Barong a passive mp reduction ability (reducing the cost of all his spells by half.) That helped a little but not much because he only has like 80 mp, and the item thing he does costs like 16 mp -_- But with a buttload of patience and resetting the game, I finally got another Roche fruit, and set out for the ultimate monster (well, almost ultimate): The DRAGON *cue epic music*

He was on the 30th floor which I could reach but it always took effort and patience, because the monsters at that floor rape the shit out of Mika. The first time I hit 30 there were no dragons :( when I went up to 31, still no dragons, and then I had to leave because Mika got killed and I was surrounded by big meanies T~T But being the brave and determined Keika I was I set out to go again even though it took me a gazillion years the last time I went, and this time I caught that dragon and went straight home.

So I got him up to level 77 (which was also part luck because I was finding a lot of those Mazarr seeds XD my dragon was literally on steroids) and after he got to that level, he instantly killed every monster in the tower in one hit. As if that wasn't enough, he wouldn't take any more than 1 damage from any monster, not even the last boss. And as if THAT wasn't enough, he instantly regains full mp whenever you feed him anything metal based. Swords, shields, coins, whatever. It was so fucking ridiculous, after I got that dragon I'm pretty sure that if I just sat in one corner and skipped ALL my turns until I was forced up to the top floor, I wouldn't have been scratched. Needless to say I beat the shit out of that game with my super awesome dragon, I got ALL the girlfriends (I even saved Cherrl :D!!! Remember how hard we tried to save her as kids?) and I bought every upgrade for the town... and the second I beat the game I knew I had to tell you about it.

So I was really tempted to record videos of me raping the tower but uhh... I figured that would take a really long time and I kinda can't fight the last boss again so I can't show you the ending T_T But... it was a pretty silly ending anyway, if that makes you feel any better, and I'm sure you could find it on youtube if you really wanted. xD

"Dear God, Keika, why would you force yourself to try so hard for that game? That game was insane."

Ummm, this is the third game I've been really determined to beat solely because the poorness of its design made it incredibly difficult. The first was Saga Frontier (which I've mentioned here in livejournal before), the second one was Evergrace (which I beat with both characters like... maybe a month ago? and don't be fooled, there were no tricks to beating that game, it was hard as shit and the story made NO sense, subsequently the "ending" made no sense and it was such an awful, awful game... I can't believe I dedicated the hours I did to beating it XD but I did!), and yeah, this last one was Azure Dreams. I didn't realize just how big of a masochist I was until I was finishing up Evergrace though honestly... and Azure Dreams was like suicide sometimes XD because that fucking tower just takes a long time no matter how much of a breeze it may be once your familiar is tough.

But anyway... I *think* I have officially run out of really old horrible playstation RPGs to completely pwn, the only one I might attempt next would be Star Ocean 2 (not the one for ps2, it's a different one that I've had for years, I got it right after I got FFVII) but that game is actually quite good, it's just really... really... really hard >.<

And the reason it's so hard is because of the level cap, mixed with the very confusing item creation skills/system. Unlike most RPGs where the max level is 99, in Star Ocean titles the max level is 255. Needless to say I didn't know that until after I went to the last boss at level 95 thinking I was hot shit and then getting wiped out in one move. You can imagine how much that sucked -_-* The item creation system is really what made the game shine so much for me, but what I didn't realize is that you really do have to do a LOT of... what's the word... un-obvious shit to get what you NEED to beat the game. And when I say it's not obvious I mean there's no way you would know what the fuck to do unless you bought the guide, there's absolutely no way. This game puts that Tales of Destiny puzzle TO SHAME, when it comes to that >_>;

Like, in order to reach the secret dungeon, you have to actually reach the lair of the last boss first, then run all the way back out (which is a task in and of itself), go back to the fun-land or w/e, go to the battle arena, run all the way to the back, surf through the audience and talk to an old man who does NOT stand out in any way, and he'll teleport you there. I mean I know that it's a secret dungeon but... WHAT THE FUCK.

... Wow this post is long, okay I'll stop. >_>; But uh... before I go I'll just say one thing... DRAGONICA COMES OUT TOMORROW D:!!!

I'm so freakin' retarded sometimes, but today a good idea slapped me in the face today.

I was really worried about how exactly we were going to transport 5 people and then all their luggage and props to the convention... The prospect of asking one of my uncles (all of whom seem to hate me x3) to use one of their beloved trucks seemed a grim task. My mom recommended taking my grandma's cadillac but my hula hoop weapon alone is probably way too big for that trunk. My mom acted like I had never seen the size of that trunk before but she forgets I've helped my grandparents unload groceries before, and I know there's no way in hell we'd fit all our stuff into it... it IS big but just not enough.

Then today out of nowhere I remembered that my own dad has a lincoln navigator. I can't believe I didn't remember that shit sooner... the seats in the back fold down and there would be PLENTY of room in it. My dad seems eager to please lately, I have a good feeling if I ask pretty please he'd let me borrow it... after all, he has two BMWs now (a 3 series and a 5 series >_>;;) and he and Sandy never even use that navigator, it just sits there. First thing tomorrow I'm gonna beg pretty please to borrow it for the weekend of anime expo. Wish me luck o(≧ω≦)o!!

Oh btw, I started applying the plaster to my cardboard base for my hula hoop of doom prop, and I also ordered my wig for my Lethe costume. I have the ears and bells already, and if I can afford the purple/pinkish contact lenses for my Tira costume, I'll also be able to use them for Lethe because they have the same color eyes ^_^;

"Who the fork is Lethe? o_O?"



From Fire Emblem. One of Sheiky's super attractive dude friends (I seldom find any existing dudes to be attractive mind you... so... just keep that in mind) that we met at AX '07 is going as Ike from the same game, and Sheiky had planned to do Mist; then Sheiky went and took on like fifty cosplay projects and decided not to bother with Mist. He messaged her like, "D: waiiiiiiiii?" and then we were like, "Awww :(!" So I set out to find if there were any characters I could pull off as my Keikan self.

I stumbled across some fanart of Lethe and was scared for a moment not being able to find any official artwork of her, and I couldn't find her actual name (I think because the fanart was foreign) but then I remembered one of my source sites for official game artwork and found Lethe standing there looking bratty and Keika-esque. It was too perfect to be true. I had the ears already, and the bells too from my old not-even-really-attempted Harlequin costume, I had the scraps of that dark green for the shorts on my renaissance fair costume which I could easily recycle, and the rest of Lethe's costume is already dissected into panels which are going to be exceptionally easy to make patterns for. I don't think there's anything on this costume I'm really going to have a problem with, it's good for a quicky and it will give me some time away from my Tira work, which is still gonna be really challenging :S

Anyway since I have found Lethe Sheiky is going to try her Mist costume and has since lost interest in her Card Captor Sakura costume... So let's hope she gets that too so that we can all be little Fire Emblem stuffs togethar x3

The only site of my misery lately has been this decision to go to court reporting school... I keep having dreams about it, it just seems like such a soul-numbing thing to do. I know I want money but god it feels like I would die inside if I had to sit there and type for hours a day. I don't even care if it sounds fickle anymore, I just don't want to be miserable.

I keep having dreams about singing though, which doesn't make any sense to me because I'm not a very good singer... xD at all. But it keeps coming up, almost every night this past week I have dreamt about singing. I don't know if it means anything, or if I've just lost my mind? I'm kind of shy to say it but I almost feel tempted to get lessons because of it. T~T Is that dumb..?

"The afterlife really pisses me the fuck off.
It's like this... this fucking box in the middle of an empty room hanging on a string, no one ever opens the damn thing, some people say they have, but the wrapping paper's still intact and the closest anyone else gets is theories. Why, there might be candy in that box! Careful though, there might be poison in that box! Those people are loony, some say, there's nothing in that box.

Everyone knows the box is there, but 95% of people have the room lit up and filled with all kinds of bullshit so that they can forget the box is there. But my room is empty and the only light to be found in it is a spotlight, and it shines on that box day in and day out. All I ever see is that box... I crave it. Too many years of my life have been spent longing to open that box. Whatever is inside of it, it will get me out of this room!

But the loonies adjacent, I can hear their quivering gasps in all the rooms next to mine. I know their words. This is a trap, the box will slam your face back into that room and leave you there to rot even further if you reach for it. Never reach for that box... Or you'll get what's coming to you.

Others are laughing at me, as my room grows smaller. The air is getting tighter and it's getting hard to breath. There is the box. There is the box. The light is on it, my eyes are on it, maybe now, just once... maybe, my hands can be on it.
But no, the shadows beneath me are in motion. Give us your eyes, give us your brain, give us your heart, give us your hands; that we may drape ourselves and the darkness to reflect light and colors that are not ours.

NO! Tear me to pieces and take what you may, even without eyes I will always see my own blood in the drapes you hide in! THEY ARE NOT YOURS! And when the light goes out, and the box is opened, we will see who suffocates in the shadows, and who ascends from the floor!"

Something I wrote that reminded me heavily of Bioshock. Enjoy~

(Sander Fucking Cohen!)

"Oh my goodness, you! F*** you!"

~you got served~

ROFLMAO...... I don't know why this made me laugh so fuckin' hard, maybe because I'm tired and it's 2:15 am but I don't even care... it's still awesome xD I can't count how many times I've been given absurd quests and wanted nothing more than to slap the person that gave it to me. :D Hehehehehe... XD can't stop watching it.

Oh, and here's a little something not oblivion related but probably even funnier XD



You make me touch your hands for stupid reasons I WILL NEVER LIKE U AGAIN xD lmfao.... wow. I'm sorry but that's just too raw.

Enjoy~!

Hatred is when you think about a person and your blood burns; it claws at your insides like a raging lion and everything inside you wants to tear that person into pieces. You cannot be swayed. You cannot be calmed. You cannot be reasoned with. Nothing in you desires reason, hatred voids all desires except one, and that is to tear every god damned thing around you down that you might step upon it and spit on the heap you destroyed beneath you. Logic is an insult! Altruism is a plague! Negligence is unforgivable! For hatred there is but one path, and it demands blood, it demands tears, it demands suffering. As any other entity, hatred must be fed, and today, mine feels particularly starved. No one and nothing is beyond my capacity to shred down to the bone right now. Glance and I'll have your eyes, speak and I'll carve your tongue.

Test me. Test me because you think it's fucking cute, test me because you think I'm nothing. Try it! Because I would *love* to see the look on your face when this NOTHING tears you limb from fucking limb, and the only throat you'll have left to cry with is the one I TORE OUT and MASHED from within that filthy scrawny neck.

... all she could really say was, "I just want to matter to myself... someday."

I failed geometry in high school, and I guess at times, technically it works against me... but honestly, when I'm making a prop, overcoming a hurdle in schematics is the perfect test of my logic: challenging, quite so, but never impossible, just a step beneath it, and the prize always makes it worth my while to reach. Gah! It gets really easy for me to over-word something that is very simple, and sublime.

Figuring out how to make difficult props and then making them, WELL, is probably one of the best feelings in the whole world. I am seldom a complete perfectionist but making prop weapons definitely brings out that side of me strongly, and it's very, how shall I put it... vindicating? It pays itself off. Specific situation:

No secret, I'm making Tira's weird hula hoop blade thing. I encountered a flaw in my own logic when I saw that in order to sandwich the hula hoop as a spine between the layers of cardboard to give it the volume it required, that made the inner diameter too small. I had the choice to leave it flawed, which still would have been a step above a majority of my competitors' efforts, or I could scrap the idea and try to brainstorm my way into a more accurate replica. ... :3! And of course I chose to brainstorm!
I chopped the hula hoop to increase the overall circumference and then thinned the layers of cardboard so that when I sandwiched the hula hoop I would still have an effective spine, while maintaining the volume AND increasing the inner diameter of the blade overall. Success :3!

It took me a few minutes to get to that point, but when I did and started working... that whole, "OMG... I AM A GENIUS" feeling... is the best. :D So even though I dumpster dived to get my raw materials... x3 I'm totally stoked about Anime Expo this year. This costume is going to blow everything else I've ever done out of the water.

And since I was so serious about it, I went to the salon to have my eyebrows waxed EXACTLY as Tira's are pictured... I brought a picture up to the lady, who mind you I wasn't used to because the lady who usually did my eyebrows moved, and then I said, "I want this." And boom. Now my eyebrows are REALLY thin... and they look EXACTLY like Tira's. She did such an awesome job :D

I'm going in for the purple contacts sometime this week as well. Combine that with me growing my hair out, and staying away from the sun... I'm really going all out on this cosplay, and I hope my effort shows this year ^_^

So... I just had to share the good news. ^~^ Have a nice night!

I've managed to capture a strong cough that has been plaguing me for the past few days quite strongly; making it worse yet is my asthma which is triggered by the irritant cough. I've taken pretty much everything in our medicine cabinet at least once, and the only thing that has managed to stifle it is this putrescent liquid that I nearly vomited upon ingestion, something that starts with a B. All I know is I would rather endure the cough than to drink that hellish brew ever again, heh heh.

Been eating much healthier and exercising, harder to exercise with a cough I'll admit but I'm sure I'll pick up the pace once it settles down. In less optimistic news though, I've been having nightmares about attending that court reporting school. That I'm having them angers me, I've exhausted what few possibilities I take interest in and consistently come up short. What other signs should I be heeding here? I can't shove myself into any one direction any more strongly than this, my mind has given up, and my heart needs to do the same. People like me need this sort of retribution, you know? So... maybe, these dreams are just part of the penance.

Unless the message I'm getting is that I should stall further at everyone else's expense, selfishly, as if I've not already contributed enough to that effort. Grr. Sometimes I wonder what the point is in choosing between miseries. I'll probably never know.

I think this is another day I've come to understand my dad a little more. I sit now thinking about how little I have to offer the world, my friends and family, or even people I don't know. I have other places to list my inadequacies so I'll spare you the eye-sore, I just wanted to note that it is only now I've recognized what I fill my void with.
"Give us something sentimental, show us you care, submit your efforts as a testament to your humanity."
I scramble, or writhe, "Just take money, take money and please, don't look at me."

And that sends them packing, albeit with a grin of discomfort; it leaves me to fester in developmental stasis and the hearty poor go home with dirty pockets and a clean conscience. This is what my father does, and I wonder if he is all I'll ever be. Throwing our money out to substitute for some kind of affection we have no idea how to give, or just to cloud ourselves out of the light because we're both cowards who can't stand to see ourselves. Okay maybe that last part was shadow projection, but the point stands, even if somewhat flimsily.

Either way you see the theme now, I just thought I'd document it. Cowards don't face consequences.

I used to hope there was a heaven, the kind of heaven that caters to the hopes and dreams of every soul individually. On nights when it was difficult to sleep I would put all my energy into just picturing it... I tried to picture all the things I really wanted, and what I would do.

But something turned in me. Slowly, before I recognized what was happening, I bored myself of those dreams. It used to be, when I bored of some, new ones would come... hehe, but I don't have any anymore. Not one... not really. When frightened or upset, sometimes I still try to push myself to picture something new, but nothing ever fits. I don't think there's a heaven for me anymore... So those nights I find it hard to sleep, I pray to whatever's listening that there's nothing after I die; nothing is the only thing that seems safe. I guess it's also because, even if there was a heaven, I know I wouldn't be going there. So, I don't really know what happens... I just know what I hope for.

____

On a less dramatic note, it has been a while since Evan left. I don't really know what to say about it... I don't have anything to say that wouldn't annoy him or bore you. Nothing particularly interesting happened and I guess that's why I'm a little bummed about it. I don't know why I thought I would have something to show him, I was a fucking idiot and just expected that I would magically change into a more competent individual before he arrived and then he could go home with stories of how my uber-competence lead him on many an adventure across California... or some shit. And instead I gave frequent illustrations of how clearly INCOMPETENT I am, in fact I felt so self-conscious of how childish and naive I would look that I'm pretty sure I appeared even more childish and naive than I would normally be. I really screwed the pooch and I haven't lived it down since he left... And now all the things I used to do to keep me occupied don't feel the same anymore, because now I'm aware of where all my childish behavior leaves me, and instead of waking up the courageous intelligent person who would say to themselves, "Today I change everything!" instead I remain this... coward... who can't escape anymore no matter how hard she tries. People like him, and my sister, and Min, they'll probably always be brave. I hope that doesn't mean that people like me will always be cowards. ._.